If It's Beans, It's Beans #2: The Bard's Beans

About Christina

Hello, loyal readers! Oh, how we've missed you as we've done such glamorous summertime things as wipe poopy hineys, defend dissertations, and nurture both young children and raging Game of Thrones obsessions!

Mr. Bean! No, seriously...

Hey, remember that time when my brilliant husband, in a fit of learned helplessness leading to clinically diagnosable ineptitude, couldn't figure out if a clear container of beans contained beans? Believe me, he does! Especially now that our good friends Katie and Ian Schempp have adopted the phrase "If it's beans, then it's beans" as a lengthier, snarkier version of "No duh" in their family. The dude half of this couple, Ian Schempp, even honored SLB and me with his own Shakespearean version of our dialogue that he delivered (with our original lines on butcher paper next to him) during a comedy performance this summer. When I first read it I laughed so hard that I drooled, blew a little snot out of my nose, and cried (but totally maintained bladder control -HIGH FIVE!). This dialogue is wonderful, and so is Ian for kindly allowing us to post his intentionally comedic version of our unintentionally comedic life here. So, without further ado, we proudly present:

If 'Tis Beans, Then 'Tis Beans

SLB: Good my lady Nina, dinnertime, upon its nimble catfeet, doth creep upon us quickly. I hath pulled from our hale and hearty larder a container, but must enquire of you as to its contents. Prithee, my dear, be these refried beans or be they not?

Nina: Dearest husband, I know not. Our creator has blessed thee with both orbs and reason. Combinest thou these two great gifts and render thyself thy own judgement. If, perchance, that which resideth in this container be beans, then ‘tis beans that thou holdest.

SLB: (earnestly) Yes, dear wife, that is the question that presseth itself ‘gainst my brain presently. Is this, the contents of this box unmarkéd, beans?

Nina: I knowest not, true love. I beest not in the larder, as thou art. I do sit here in this parlour, aching to leave my body while my body doth ache; battered by the tempest of elbows that the storm that we do call our daughter has rained down upon my very face. I beseech thee, sir, takest up this container once again. With thy fingers, play thou the part of Pandora and ope thy box. If, when thou dost cast thy gaze upon the mystery that do reside within, a word springs, Athenalike, from thy imagination, consider thou this word. Is this word “beans”? For if ‘tis “beans,” then lay thy money on beans, good sir, for most likely ‘tis beans.

SLB: ‘Sblood, woman! Vex me not with thy prattling of Greeks, ‘tis a simple answer that I seek! This be no Riddle of the Sphinx, no Gordian Know to be split twain by thy twicesharpened tongue! Thou hast pearls of wisdom in no short supply elsetimes, why clutch them now to thy breast? I have but a single purpose left while still I draw breath, and that is this simple divination: BE THESE BEANS OR NO?

Nina: Thou addlebrained lackwit! Hast thou never an eye in your head? Pearls I may have, but thou art a baker seeking bread, yet naming it jewels. So look, sirrah! Look thou down and mark thy box of food! Fear it not, it is no grim spectre, no black portent of death, no monstrous, gaping jaws that snarl and gnash.


Or is it something else that thou dost fear to see when thou peerst upon those perhapsbeans?

For I too would hesitate, would quake in my very boots and my ashen visage stop the tongues of the most boisterous of celebrants if I were to gaze into the very depths of my own ignorance; if I did espy a goggleeyed, lolltongued idiotpatein this beanmirror and only vaguely recognized it as my own. But if thou lookst and only beans do meet thy eyes, then your purpose is fulfilled! If beans it is, then ‘tis beans!


So speak husband, if my instructions did sail past thee, a boat lost on the oceans of thy brain, speak now and cast all doubts from my mind. (long pause)