If It's Beans, Then It's Beans: D[umb]mes[s]tic "Bliss" in the Modern, Urban Home

Exciting, inciting: BEANS! Image source.

This is a repost of a real dialogue that took place in my home about 4 years ago. It has become the stuff of legend among our friends and us, and the phrase "But is it beans?" has become the equivalent of "DUH" for many of our acquaintances. It occurred to me recently that you, new readers and new friends, might not have benefited from this exchange. And so, in the spirit of good will and harmony, I gift it to you now.


Actual argument from our actual house only 5 actual minutes ago. Smartner: (hollering from the kitchen as he bustled around assembling some kind of dinner from the food in the fridge) Are these refried beans or something else? Me: (hollering from the dining room where I'm attempting to leave my body after an afternoon in which my daughter threw an enormous tantrum and then accidentally elbowed my right eye twice in the span of 20 minutes) I don't know. Look at it. Is it beans? If so, then it's beans. Smartner: (earnestly) That's what I'm trying to find out. Is this beans? Me: (in complete disbelief) I don't know. I'm not in the kitchen. Look at it. Is it beans? Because if it's beans, then it's probably beans. Smartner: (irritated - yelling) THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW. I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF THIS IS BEANS! Me: (wondering, perhaps, if the man I love is a fucking moron) What are you, a fucking moron? LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT THE CONTENTS OF THE CONTAINER. IF IT'S BEANS, THEN IT IS BEANS. WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS? Smartner: (just full-on yelling) GODDAMMIT! (sounds of productive dinner-assembly are heard in the kitchen) End scene.

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