Look. We all do it. If you don't do it, you need to start doing it. Sanity can be found in the bathroom. It can. Try it. You'll see. Sweet, precious respite.
Here's the way to get the most out of your precious time hiding from your kids in the bathroom.
1. Do it when they are occupied so you will get as much time as parently possible. If necessary and your kids are old enough to be grossed out by this, claim poop.
2. Make sure you’ve hidden a drink in there well in advance. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED TO ESCAPE. Red wine or any hard alcohol work well. Don’t forget a glass. (You don’t really need the glass.) Or better yet, store your secret drink in a handy dandy flask, eh?
2.5. You could store some snacks in there, too. I'm not saying you have to. But that might be a good place to hide the good chocolate you don't want the kids to know about. Or some flamin' hot cheetos. Whichever.
3. You know the magazines everyone keeps in their bathrooms? They might be pooping entertainment for some people. For parents? These are for tiny stolen minutes of joy when you can feel like a person again. Look at me casually perusing the IKEA catalogue! Ooooh, new bedding!
4. Keep a book in there, too. Short stories work well because WHAT IF YOU MANAGE 20 MINUTES?!?! YOU COULD READ A WHOLE STORY!
5. Poop if you gotta. You might not get another the chance to poop alone. Seize it! I mean… the opportunity. Not the… you know what I mean.
6. Mobile games are fun. Play one! All by yourself! Without anyone pressing anything and making you lose! Imagine! All moves chosen by you and you alone!
7. Light a scented candle. Stare at the flame. Get lost in the leaping flicker of it. Forget everything else. Just focus on the glow of the blaze… wait, what were we talking about?
8. Enjoy the silence. Hear that? That nothingness? Just soak it all in for a bit before the shrieking starts again.
9. Keep a stool in there. I don’t know about you, but I am too old to perch all awkwardly on the toilet for any extended period of time. And I live with 3 dudes. My bathroom floor is sketchy at the best of times.
10. Pursue your passions. If you’re a writer, keep a notebook and pen in there. Some of my best ideas have popped up during a shower, so it makes sense for me anyway. If you’re an artist, keep a sketchbook in there. Crocheter or knitter? Keep yarn and your needles in there. Crossword puzzle enthusiast? Keep the one from the newspaper that you never read in there. Embroidery? Cool. Bird watcher? Maybe you have a window. Catch up on Smarty Mommies! Honestly, it really doesn’t matter what you do. Just enjoy it. YOU MAY NOT GET THIS TIME AGAIN FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.