A Holiday Blessing for You
This holiday season, we send you barreling into the fray with this blessing. Good luck and godspeed, friends. We can do this.
May you indulge in eggnog to full bowel tolerance, and not a sip beyond.
May the smell of cookies periodically be enough to sate your furious appetite for things made with butter.
May your meals be ever bountiful and your waistbands ever adjustable.
May you remember to eat a few veggies and food made out of food so you don't feel barfy all holiday season.
May your children's delight in their gifts once - just once - eclipse their love for the boxes the gifts came in.
May your children be interested in their new gifts for longer than 30 seconds so that you achieve a full minute of peace and joy.
May your Smartner surprise you with exactly what you wanted, or may they act surprised as you open exactly what you wanted, bought weeks ago, thoughtfully wrapped, and put under the tree yourowndamnself.
May your Smartner react with real joy at the gift you carefully, thoughtfully (albeit quickly) chose just for them.
May your abundant gravy farts be as sweetly odored as a summer's breeze and as silent as the grave.
May there be a dog or a brother or an uncle to blame said farts upon, for you would never, you picture of sophistication.
May whatever you do under the mistletoe be memorable throughout all the New Year and completely unnoticed by the sleeping (cockblocking) children.
May your political disagreements be fruitful, enlightening, mutually respectful, or saved for a more appropriate time and place.
And may you and others remember to put food in your face before the second drink so those disagreements remain civil and lucid.
May the terrible presents you receive be easily exhangeable, and may there always be a gift receipt.
May the terrible presents you give be received joyously in the generous spirit in which you intended to give them. With a gift receipt.
May you strive for joyous family time and giddy holiday celebrations.
May you do the best you can do.
May yours do the best they can do.
May we all remember the true reason for the season - dark chocolate-covered candy cane Joe Joe's.