Still Here

It’s hot today—and it’s going to get hotter each day this week—and I’m listening to old Tori albums for the first time in a very long time. I’m still surprised by how many words I remember.

But some I’ve forgotten.

Memories are rushing back to me of summers when these albums came out. Summers when I was stepping deep into adolescence. Summers when I was figuring out who I was. Summers when I felt sure I knew who I was. I didn’t. I still don’t know who I am.

I turned 38 two weeks ago, and while I feel more confident now than I used to in so many ways… I still feel lost so often. I’m still figuring myself out. But I suppose I’m even more comfortable with that than I used to be. Is this growing up? Understanding that you don’t know shit and you never really will?

I don’t feel sure about much these days. As soon as I do, something happens to throw it all up in the air again.

Maybe growing up is understanding that nothing is permanent? That anything can change and everything will?

But it’s funny how often it still throws me off balance. Even as I expect people to be terrible, to be unpredictable, to be inconsistent, it still surprises me.

And then I’m surprised anew by the absolute beauty and love in this world.

All this from listening to old songs I always loved.

I’ve been falling into a lot of my old patterns lately. Listening to old music, writing poetry, brooding too much. I’ve been lost in reverie. I’m not sure why.

But I suppose it feels a bit like coming back to home base. Sometimes we all just need to hunker down into the spaces that feel like home. The spaces that feel like us.

The brooding spot of my youth. Tubbs Hill still feels like home. Image Source

* * * You may have noticed we’ve been in and out a bit here at Smarty Mommies. We’re all in transition right now. It’s summer and we have kids home and too many things going on. Here and there life is overtaking us.

So, please pardon our inconsistencies. Christina will be taking the rest of the summer off and Rattle & Pen will be moving to a monthly feature. And I'll be popping in when I can. We all just need time to find our spaces that feel like home. Just like everyone else, we’re all just still growing up.